First Big Party Sober - An outward expression of self

This Memorial Day weekend, I hosted my first big party sober! Completely sober! I have been planning this weekend for about six months. Our son's graduation party was my main priority for months. It consumed my thoughts much of the days. This party was very much unlike any other party I had ever hosted. This party would include not only my friends and family, but also my wife's friends and family as well as her ex-husband's friends and family. We were all coming together to celebrate our son the way we promised our children we would from the beginning. It had to be perfect. And with perfect comes a boat load of negative cognitive distortion traps and suffocating emotions.

Being perfect has been a long struggle for me. Since childhood I have been striving and climbing toward this unattainable goal. The need for perfection has in part led me down the road toward addiction. I am in no way the type of person who is highly competitive or has a need to be the best at everything. That is not my brand of perfection. My brand is a bit more subtle. Hard to detect to the naked eye.

Over the past seven months, I have been digging deep into myself. I have been working the program and working on myself. All the while planning this party. Being able to detect my own cognitive distortions is a way to catch those old traps before I fall back into the depths of my addiction. So, this party....well it has been a true test of my detective skills. I have been pushed to tears and one anxiety attack fighting my own thoughts. (Honestly, I am pretty proud of the fact I only had one major meltdown!)

To many people, including my own family and friends, this graduation was just another party. Order some balloons, streamers, and throw some picture boards together and you're set...right?! Wrong!!! This party symbolized so much more for me. It was way deeper than just another party. This party represented me as a mom. This was my outward expression of my day-to-day love and support I give to my children. With being a bonus mom, people tend to minimize my role. They tend to try to fence in my care and devotion. As a bonus mom, I am constantly reminded to "stay in my lane." Well...that is a load of horse shit if you ask me. There are no lanes with love. There are no tracks with support. To me, it is all in or nothing.

So, this party represented my "all in" path I have happily chosen. I understand that path makes many people uncomfortable. I understand my role as bonus mom may even threaten the "status quo" of even a blended family. But to quote my father, "Guess what! Man, I don't care!" The people who are uncomfortable with me giving my whole heart to our children are not my responsibility. My only priority and responsibility belongs to our children and my wife. The only opinions that matter sleep under my roof.

So, this party....it was a lot! Around every corner, there was a road block put up by someone(s) who sleep under other roofs. These road blocks tested my ability to detect my own distortions and ability to reason through the negative thoughts and feelings that accompanied these road blocks. Thoughts like, I am not good enough, I am too much, I am not a real mother, I am a failure, I am crazy, I will never be what they need. Those thoughts consumed me throughout this process. But I was learning along the way.

Every trigger, every negative event, every cognitive distortion I was able to detect and process through, made me a little bit stronger. With sobriety, I not only planned one kick-ass party, but I learned so much about myself along the way. Below I have listed five truths I learned about me as human through the process of planning this party sober.

I define my lane.

This one is a big one! This has been a major trigger of mine for most of my life. Staying in my lane is not something I was every comfortable doing. I am a curious person. I question what I believe to be false or wrong or unjust. I push boundaries that I feel need some expansion. In my role as a mother, I am not and cannot be any different. Like I said earlier, I do not believe there can be "lanes" on this road of parenthood. The only way I know how to do this parenting thing is to be all in for all of it. So, I get to, along with my family, define my lane. I get to define my path and what being mother looks like for me.

I am a real mother. Biology does not define motherhood. This a truth that I hold close to my heart. I have always believed in this truth. However, my reserve was tested through planning the party. I went through all of the baby pictures, all the "before" pictures, the pictures I was not there for. All of the pictures and moments I missed. The smiles that were big even before me. I was not there then, I cannot change that. But I am here now. I am here for the rest. That is my lane, my path. To be present and ready to support our children throughout the rest of their lives. I get to be there for that! I get to take the pictures of the rest of their lives.

I am strong. Oh my, this is a big one. For so many years, I have felt weak. I have felt unable. For so many reasons, I believed I was not strong enough. I was not strong enough to forgive. I was not strong enough to fight my inner demons. I was not strong enough to human without my dear friend alcohol giving me the strength to do the things. I believed I needed alcohol to do this life. I needed strength from the alcohol to face my feelings and my emotions. I needed strength from outside of myself. Well, the truth is that I have the strength within me, and it was there all along. I can do this life without booze! In fact, I do life so much better without it! This party was a true testament of that truth. I know in my heart that I would not have been able to pull off the details in the party that gave it that extra special touch if I had leaned on my old friend.

I am a work in progress. Holy shit sobriety is hard! Staying sober takes so much diligence and perseverance. Through this process of planning a party for which I would have been "aided" by wine at all steps along the way in my old life, was so much easier and smoother without that "aide." I was clear and in control of my emotions (for the most part) and was able to stay sharp. And for the most part is good. I will always be a work in progress. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. I will say the wrong things. I will try to do better next time. This is my truth. I can see this better now than ever before. Sobriety is hard. Succumbing to addiction is hard. I choose my hard with sobriety.

I am enough. The last truth that I have learned through this process is that I am enough. In fact, I am more than enough. What I bring to the table is exactly what my family needs and wants. I am not perfect. Nope. But do I want perfection or do I want to be exactly what my family is looking for? That is a no brainer in my opinion. I can see that now. My kick-ass party was fun and a wonderful memory for our family, but it was not the look off the party or the taste of the food or the placement of the decorations that made it a success. It was the thought and the love behind every detail and every decision I made throughout the process that made it special. I see that now.

And with that, I now understand that my place as their mother is secure. The outside influence be damned. My love is real. My love is pure. And my love is unconditional. That is as close to perfect as I ever want to be anymore. The rest of it, well...does it really matter? I don't know. I am still working on that part.