Goodbye Wine

Dear Wine (really all alcohol),

Over the past decade, our relationship has been tumultuous to say the least. When we first got together, we had a good time. We spent happy times with friends and family. You seemed to really fit right into my world.

I felt more alive and fun when you were around. When I had a hard time, you seemed to ease my pain. When I needed to vent about what a bitch my boss was, you were there with an open cork. You told me I would be fine with one more glass. I would feel better with another. You whispered I could handle it if I had a couple more.

But over time, things started to go dark when you stayed around too long. I started to feel less comfort and more anger. As time went on, my fun turned into misery. And yet, you still were there. You never left my side. I would curse you and tell you how much I hated you, but you never left. You were there to hold me after every miserable day and put me to bed at night. The good times were good, but the bad times started to outweigh those good ones. I believed you were there for me, but the sad truth is that you needed me more than I needed you. You used me and that is why you stayed around, not to help me, but to use me.

So, here we are years later. I am 35 years old, married and a mother of 4 beautiful children. Children for whom I never thought were possible. (Another dark time you were there for comfort and solace) But I have so much more to live for now other than you. You are no longer my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. You are no longer my shoulder to cry on and to vent about my day. You lied to me and told me that one more would fix my pain. You lied and promised that the next bottle would suppress that pain forever. You lied to me. You cannot fix me. You can only hurt me. Our relationship is toxic and I need out.

If I am going to live a healthy and joy-filled life, I need to end things now. And the thing is, I am not that sad about it. So, what does that say about the depth of our relationship?

I think it says we were always just surface level. You kept me on the surface, and I was never able to dive deep into my emotions or my thoughts enough to truly learn who I was becoming. Now is my time to dive deep and to learn who I am. It is time I take back control of my life and handle my shit on my own.

I can only pray that my children never find you in their moments of triumph or despair, and if they

do, I pray they know they don't need you to be whole.

Goodbye,

Amanda aka Penelope